My Brother's Pain
by FABThunderbird
Summary: Virgil and Gordon are both exhausted after a dangerous rescue. On their way home Virgil notices that Gordon is not only dealing with an injury, but he sees his brother struggling to open up about what he had witnessed during this rescue.
1. Chapter 1

My Brother's Pain

Virgil and Gordon are both exhausted after a dangerous rescue. On their way home Virgil notices that Gordon is not only dealing with an injury, but he sees his brother struggling to open up about what he had witnessed during this rescue.

I do not own the Thunderbirds. I am making no profit from this story.

* * *

"Virgil, Gordon, a mudslide is heading your way!" Scott shouted, "Get out of there!"

Virgil spun himself around and gazed out of the window. A deep rumble could be heard along with the snapping of trees breaking. Virgil could see a thick flow of mud cascading down the mountain with the intent to destroy this small village, which had only just endured an earthquake. Virgil raced out of the building until he caught up with Gordon. Gordon was pale-faced, swaying slightly.

"Gordon, we have to get out of here!" Virgil grabbed onto Gordon's arm and started to pull him away from the building and towards the safety of Thunderbird 2. Gordon pulled back shouting at Virgil to stop.

"Virgil, please!" Gordon cried, "There's someone still in there." Virgil let go and Gordon ran back to the building. "Gordon, stop!" Virgil shouted before he sprinted after him. Virgil could see the mudflow as it burst through the building and straight into Gordon. Gordon was thrown back onto the ground screaming. The current took Gordon and he flew straight into Virgil. Virgil grabbed his brother tightly as the pair of them landed deep into the depths of the thick, cold mud.

When Virgil woke he was lying on the ground the mudflow had eased. He slowly sat up and took off his helmet, he looked around frantically he couldn't see Gordon anywhere, he turned on his radio. "Scott, John, Hello!?"

"Virgil is that you?" Scott asked

"Yes, Scott I'm fine. Gordon isn't with me. Get John to track his location!" Virgil shouted

"Hey Virgil, calm down. I found Gordon. He's with me, he's okay." Virgil took a breath, brushing through his hair with his muddy glove.

"Thank God," Virgil mumbled.

"Are you okay Virgil. Do you have any injuries?" Scott asks. Virgil takes a moment to assess himself only to conclude that he was fine with only a few cuts and bruises.

"Does Gordon have any injuries?" Virgil thinks back to earlier when Gordon fell on his back. He remembers Gordon's cry of pain which makes him think about the hydrofoil accident. It's only been two years since the crash and this is his seventh rescue. Virgil knew that he shouldn't have let Gordon go on this rescue.

"He's fine Virgil," Scott says. "Just like you, he just has a few cuts and bruises, he's fallen asleep in your bird's cockpit."

"Virgil, I'm glad you're okay." John interrupts. "There are some people trapped in the rubble not far from your location, are you alright to help them."

"Of course," Virgil says "I'm on my way."

After what felt like days but it had only been hours, Virgil was finishing packing up Thunderbird 2 and getting ready to go home.

"Alright, Virgil I'm going to start heading back. I'll see you at home." Scott says and Virgil could hear the blast as Thunderbird 1 took flight.

"See you soon," Virgil says as he walks into the cockpit and spins around his co pilot's chair.

"Fancy meeting you here." Gordon smiles. Virgil is taken back by Gordon's appearance. His brother is covered from head to toe in a mixture of mud and blood. Gordon is slouching uncomfortably in his chair which is raising alarm bells in Virgil's head.

"Why didn't you tell us about your back?" Virgil crouches down in front of Gordon resting a reassuring hand on his knee.

"It didn't hurt earlier." Gordon groans. "It's just started to ache, that's all."

"You need to lie down." Virgil stands and he taps Gordon on the shoulder. "Can you stand?" He asks. Gordon shakes his head scrunching his eyes as a sudden wave of dizziness overwhelms him.

"Let me stay. Please, Virgil, give me some pain meds and I'll be fine." He pleads.

"Fine." Virgil says, "you can stay, but I'll give you your pain meds and then I'll put the seat back so you can lie flat."

"Thanks, Virg."

"You know Dad is going to be mad at me for not putting you in the infirmary."

"Love you Virg." Gordon grins

"Whatever" Virgil replies as he makes his way out of the cockpit to get his brother's pain medication.

Gordon was sure that Virgil was taking his time to get his medication. He felt like he'd been waiting for at least twenty minutes. The ache from his back was now turning into agonising pain, so much so that Gordon could feel tears running down his face and he couldn't help himself as he let out a cry for his brother. His body began shaking, his head pounding in the process. Gordon grasped his chest at the sudden pain his breath becoming shorter.

"Gordon!" Virgil cried crouching down beside Gordon's chair. "I'm so sorry about this." Gordon felt a sharp stabbing pain in his back,

"Argh, Virg...that hurts," Gordon whines his eyes drifting shut as he's suddenly overwhelmed with the need to sleep.

"How's he doing?" Scott asks as Virgil looks at the infirmary camera watching Gordon as he lay on his stomach asleep.

"He's doing better. He'll be alright after some rest." Virgil replies.

"Have you told Dad?" the radio chimes.

"No." Virgil signs "I'll tell him when we're closer to the island. That way it'll give him less time to worry."

"This is all my fault." Scott cries "If only I had given him a proper check over instead of relying on his word."

"Scott it's not your fault. Gordon knows his limits, he should have told us that he was in pain." Virgil watches as Scott gazes down at his controls nodding his head "How long have you got until your home?" Virgil asks.

"About twenty minutes, you?"

"Fifty. I'll call Dad in about ten minutes. Oh and Scott?" Scott looks up at Virgil's hologram "Have a shower I can barely recognise you with all that mud." Scott laughs ending the call with his brother.

"Virgil?" recognising the voice he sets Thunderbird 2 on autopilot and spins his chair around to see Gordon leaning against the side of the cockpit door.

"Gordon, you need to be resting."

"I know, but I just don't want to be alone." Gordon groans. Virgil stands and supports Gordon to his chair.

"What's going on with you today?" Virgil asks noticing the fact that Gordon doesn't seem like himself.

"Nothing Virg," Gordon says as his shuffles himself to find a comfortable position in the chair. "I'm just tired." Gordon closes his eyes and leans his head back, Virgil watches and he decides to take a good look at his brother. He was still covered in mud so it was difficult to see any surface wounds. His hair was sticking up in all kinds of directions, and he definitely looked like he was tired, but Virgil knew that Gordon was lying to him. Something must have happened to him he's never normally like this.

"Gordon, I'm serious. What's wrong with you?" Gordon opens his eyes and stares angrily at Virgil.

"I told you, Virgil, I'm tired. Can't you just let me rest ?!" Gordon snaps.

"Wow, now I know something is wrong cause you've never shouted at me before." Virgil raises his eyebrow awaiting an answer, but Gordon looks away and Virgil is stunned by the silence. Until he hears his brother whimpering and in an instant, Virgil pulls Gordon out of his chair and hugs him. The whimpers now turn into sobs and Virgil can feel his brother's tears soaking his shoulder. "Please tell me what's going on?" Virgil asks, "Let me help you."

"She died Virgil" Gordon cries in between his sobs. "I should have saved her... but she died."

"Who? Gordon, who died?"

"A girl did and it's my fault!" Virgil struggles to carry his brother's weight and brings Gordon and himself down to the floor of the cockpit.

"She was so young." Gordon continues and Virgil lifts his head grasping his hands around his face, watching the tears fall down his muddy cheeks.

"It's okay Gordon, do you want to talk about it?" Gordon's cries ease as he begins to calm down. He wipes his hands over his eyes drying his tears and he takes a breath.

"I saw her looking out of the window from that building." Gordon mumbles "She was on the second floor, and I just stood there and watched her. I didn't know what to do." Gordon wipes his eyes again as his tears continue to fall. "And then you came and that's when I realised that I had to go back and save her... but I was too late." Gordon buries his face in his hands and Virgil cuddles his arm around his brother's shoulders.

"I'm so sorry buddy." Virgil signs "But it's not your fault. She must've raced into the building before our scanner could pick up her life sign." Gordon cuddles up close to Virgil.

"This is the first time I've failed someone."

"I know, and it's hard for everyone. Scott and I struggled to deal with our first deaths too. But just remember what Dad told us." Gordon looks up at Virgil "We can't save everyone, no matter how hard we try."

"But I didn't try to save her Virg, I just froze."

"That's because you knew that you had no chance to save her and yourself." Gordon shifts away from Virgil and he uses the chair to steady himself as he stands.

"I saw her after the mud hit us." Gordon gazes out of the cockpit window and Virgil stands behind him. "There was so much blood." Virgil felt as if his heart had shattered to pieces. He couldn't believe that this was his younger brother. He'd always known Gordon to be so happy and now he didn't know what to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Gordon is struggling to deal with death. His family are all trying to comfort him but Gordon cannot help but push them away.

As the sunset across Tracy Island not a sound was heard throughout the house. It made Jeff Tracy feel uncomfortable and strange. He'd sent Virgil to take Gordon to his room after they had landed as Jeff thought that Gordon would find it more comfortable than going into the infirmary. Virgil told Jeff all about what Gordon had experienced as well as his outburst on Thunderbird 2. Jeff knew that Gordon just needed time alone to understand what had happened and that he wasn't to blame for the accident. Virgil had left Gordon to shower and Jeff decided to leave Gordon until it was time for dinner.

As Jeff sat at the dinner table awaiting his sons Gordon didn't show. "Shall I check on Gordon?" Virgil asks.

"No," Jeff says standing "I'll check on him. You boys can start without us." Scott and John nod before tucking into their spaghetti and meatballs. Jeff can see the worry in Virgil's eyes "Don't worry son," Jeff places a hand on his shoulder "He will be fine."

Jeff carefully opened Gordon's bedroom door to see his son sprawled out on the bed asleep. His fast asleep son was lying flat on his stomach. He had managed to put some jeans on after his shower, but Jeff guessed he was too tired to find a shirt. Jeff listened to Gordon's familiar mumbles of sleep talk as he sat down on the bed. He placed a gentle hand on his back looking at his son's scars from the hydrofoil accident, still red and slightly bruised.

"Oh my boy," whispers Jeff, "Why's it always you that gets hurt?" Not expecting an answer Jeff is surprised to hear a muffled,

"What?" Mumbled into his pillow. Gordon turns his head to look at his father the sudden wince of pain upsets Jeff.

"I'm sorry son," Jeff says, removing his hand from Gordon's back, "Did I wake you?"

"No," Gordon replies "Can't sleep, back hurts." Jeff sighs watching the pain in his son's eyes.

"Well how about I give one of my famous back massages?" Gordon chuckles nodding his head. He remembers the time during his recovery from the hydrofoil crash and how his father would take away any pain or ache that he had with his famous massages, no one could do a better job than his father. Jeff lightly pressed his hands on Gordon's back moving them in circular motions. "I came to ask if you wanted to have some dinner? You must be starving after that long rescue."

"Not hungry," Gordon replies and Jeff sighs once more "Now son I don't think you have eaten something since breakfast this morning, I can always make you something different if you don't fancy spaghetti.

"No I'm fine" Gordon huffs into his pillow "I just want to sleep." Jeff nods understanding that after the day that his son has had he may not have an appetite until he has rested properly. Jeff continues his massage quietly beginning to feel Gordon relax; he stops when he hears a snore escape his son's lips. As Jeff stands to make his way to the door he looks at Gordon and then at his balcony door, he walks quietly over to the balcony sliding the door open as a breath of fresh sea air enters the room. Jeff knew that Gordon found peace by the sea so he hoped that the sea air would provide him with happy dreams whilst he slept.

* * *

Gordon panicked and woke up. He was panting and covered in sweat. The memories still haunt his mind of the nightmare about the girl dying over and over again. Witnessing as her body was crushed by collapsing ruble and thick mud. Gordon sat up rolling back his shoulders to ease his achy muscles. He felt hot, thirsty and hungry. Looking towards the alarm clock the time read 3:36 am, he decided that he should get up and have a sort of midnight snack. It was slow getting out of bed but Gordon was starving. His back still ached and the new cuts and bruises from the recent rescue made his whole body feel sore and damaged. But despite the struggle he was determined, Gordon made it out of bed and took a slow and steady pace towards the kitchen.

When he arrived in the living room he was surprised to see the lights on, he could hear someone was in the kitchen, boiling the kettle, perhaps that someone was making themselves a coffee. Gordon guessed that someone could be his father. Often he would find his father awake all through the night, he struggled to sleep. He always believed that something needed doing and that sleep could wait until he couldn't go on any longer. Gordon uses the furniture around the living room to steady his steps. All of a sudden he slipped on the wooden floor almost losing his balance. The sudden movement had made Gordon wince in pain. It wasn't a loud wince but it was enough to draw attention to whoever was in the kitchen. "Gordon, are you okay?" asked an all too familiar smothering voice.

"I'm fine Scott," Gordon says looking up at his brother. Scott could see the state that Gordon was in and he certainly did not look fine. Gordon was leaning against the wall trying to hold himself up with his hands. His sweaty head lay resting on the wall as if it was too heavy for Gordon to carry himself.

"You don't look well Gords," Scott says reaching out a hand to support him, but Gordon pushes it away and continues his painful walk to the kitchen. "What are you doing up anyway?" continues Scott following Gordon with his arms out ready to catch him.

"I could ask you the same thing," replies Gordon with a smirk.

"Well, I ask you first, so?" Gordon turns himself around leaning against the cool refrigerator to meet Scott's concerned look.

"I couldn't sleep and I'm hungry," says Gordon as he pulls open the cupboard door next to him looking carefully inside. Scott pulls Gordon's shoulder spinning him around to meet his gaze.

"Let me make you something."

"No," Gordon says looking back into the cupboard "Just leave me alone."

"Leave you alone. You must be joking."

"No, I'm not, just go back to bed."

"Gordon, please let me help you." Scott again pulls at Gordon's shoulder but he suddenly let's go after hearing a loud slam from the cupboard door.

"I said no," huffs Gordon glaring at the confusion present in Scott's face. Scott doesn't leave, however, and for a moment the pair glare at each other in silence until Scott's confusion becomes a realisation.

"This is about what happened today isn't it?" Scott asks but Gordon only offers him silence as a reply. "Look Virgil told me about what you said earlier. About the little girl that... "

"Well, Virgil had no right to tell you that," Gordon pushes Scott away from him as he makes his way to leave the kitchen, "He shouldn't have told you." Scott watches in silence as Gordon makes his way back to his bedroom leaving the food that he had gathered behind.

* * *

Gordon had laid awake in his bed until he saw the sun beginning to rise. He had slowly put on his swimming trunks being mindful of the pain still present in his back and had quietly made his way to the pool. Now Gordon sat by the edge, dangling his feet into the water admiring the sunrise across his beautiful island home. Gordon felt mad at Virgil and Scott. He knew that the pair of them had been talking about him behind his back. He hated them, and Gordon hated himself for not saving the girl like he had supposed too. As he thought about the girl Gordon felt an overcome of sadness. Did the girl's parents find out about her death? Gordon thought. Did the parents blame him? Gordon's head started to ache as his questions overwhelmed his brain. A swim in the pool should clear his mind Gordon thought, but before he could lower himself into the water John came to sit beside him danging his feet into the water as well. "What do you want?" Gordon snapped and John was surprised by the sudden outburst.

"Wow Gordon," John raises his hands as if he is surrendering "I'm not here to argue with you. I just wanted to have a brotherly chat if that's alright?"

"Sure," mumbles Gordon "sorry for shouting at you."

"That's okay Gordon I understand." John places a reassuring hand on his brother's shoulder and the pair look at each other for a moment. "Looks like you didn't sleep last night."

"No, I didn't," Gordon says, looking away from his brother to watch the water ripple around his feet.

"It was my sixth rescue when I had to watch someone die," John says. "There was a forest fire and I found a father trapped with his two children. There wasn't much time, the trees were about to collapse on top of them. I had to make a choice and I chose to save the children. The father's screams were awful. I saw him being crushed and then burnt alive."

"I can't escape death Gordon I can hear people being killed on your radios. I watch from afar knowing that I can't do anything to help you guys. I'm sorry for what happened to you Gordon, but just know that we cannot escape death. It's our job to save the lives of others but sometimes we're not successful which doesn't mean we're bad people. We just need to learn from our past mistakes and move forward." John and Gordon sit in silence for a moment watching the sunrise together.

"So Virgil told you then?"

"Only because he thought I could help you. Please Gordon just talk to us so we can get through this together."

"No John," snaps Gordon. "I can't believe Virgil. He shouldn't have told anyone. I told him that stuff because I thought he could keep it to himself." Gordon makes to leave and John stops him.

"Gordon he told us because he's worried about you. Hell, we're all worried about you. You're not yourself…"

"I'm fine John, just leave me alone!" Gordon shouts pushing past John and making his way into the kitchen.

As he enters the kitchen he is welcomed to a surprise hug from Grandma. "Good morning my special boy, I made pancakes for breakfast."

"Sorry Grandma," Gordon says, making an escape from her tight grasp "I'm not hungry."

"Well, you need to eat something because you're coming with me and your father to pick up Alan from school."

"What? Why?" Gordon asks, watching as John enters the room glaring at him as he makes his way to the dining table.

"Because I said so. Come have something to eat that will make you feel better."

"I'm not sick," Gordon says trying to get away but Grandma pushes him down in one of the dining chairs.

"You'll make yourself sick if you don't eat anything. Please darling." Gordon takes a breath of defeat, taking hold of his fork and helping himself to a serving of pancakes. As he does so Grandma returns to the kitchen. Gordon lowers his head to try to avoid eye contact from Scott and John.

"Good Morning everyone," Virgil calls, taking a seat opposite Gordon. "How are you feeling Gordon?" Virgil asks. Gordon glares at Virgil, his anger rising, pushing his plate away from him he stands up, making his way to leave the dining room "I'm fine Virgil!" he shouts.

"So I'm guessing your plans didn't work then?" Virgil asks and both Scott and John nodded in agreement.

"Well hopefully Alan can cheer him up a bit," Scott says, taking a bite of his pancake. "I just don't understand why Gordon is behaving like this. He knew that death may happen as soon as he signed up to be a part of international rescue."

"There must be more to it," John sighed.

* * *

To be continued…

I hope you have enjoyed reading this fanfic so far. I do apologize for how long that this is taking to write. Please review and let me know what you think about this story.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 **Warning this chapter has a few swear words.**

* * *

The Journey in Tracy one is comfortable for the passengers: Jeff, Grandma and Gordon. Jeff and Grandma spent the trip talking amongst themselves, and as for Gordon, he sat in the back, quietly gazing out of the window. He watched the bright white clouds pass by as Tracy one travelled at an incredible speed towards Alan's school in England. Gordon felt his eyes drooping, finally feeling exhausted after a few restless nights. He couldn't help but close his eyes and welcome the sleep that he very much needed. He finally felt comfort, his back pain had eased and his body felt relaxed. Jeff looked through the rearview mirror, smiling at the sight of his second youngest at peace. "I told you it would work," Grandma said, "Just like when he was a baby."

"Yes," Jeff chuckles, "poor Lucille, I remember those nights that she would drive Gordon in the car to get him to sleep. He hated his cot."

"So did you," Grandma says.

For the rest of the journey, Grandma and Jeff sat in comfortable silence. Gordon continues to sleep, but it's not a peaceful sleep. It's the same nightmare that he has had since the mudslide. Again and again, he has to watch the little girl being crushed by the building and the mud. Gordon tries to run to her but his legs can't move. He is trapped. Gordon looks frantically around for his brothers but they're not in sight. Panicked, Gordon's breaths become shorter. The mixture of mud and building rumble travels quickly towards him, he tries to call for help but no sound comes out of his mouth. "Gordon please help me," cries the little girl's voice. He can't see her, he doesn't know how to help her. Then suddenly the wave hits him and with a force so strong it shakes him awake.

"Hey bro, you okay?" Says a voice and Gordon looks towards the person shaking him.

"Alan?" Gordon shudders.

"Yeah it's me, I think you were having a nightmare just then. You kept mumbling something, I couldn't make out what you were saying though but Dad told me to wake you." Alan says.

"How long was I asleep?" Gordon asks

"Son, you were asleep for three hours," Jeff says chuckling "We made it to England, picked up Alan and now we're on our way home."

"How are you feeling Gordon?" Grandma asks, lowering her magazine, turning herself around to look at her Grandson.

"I'm fine," Gordon says gazing out of the window again. "Are we nearly home?"

"About thirty minutes left," Alan says "Anyway we have so much to catch up on. I have to tell you about this awesome prank that me and my friends pulled on our gym teacher, you would have loved to have seen his face when I…"

"Yeah Alan. Do you mind if we can talk about this later, I'm getting a headache." Gordon rests his achy head by pressing it firmly on the cool window. A concerned feeling overwhelms Alan as he watches his brother. This wasn't the Gordon that he remembered a few months ago. Where was his laughter and humour? So he might look a little different from what Alan remembered. His red marks and bruises indicated that he had a difficult month, but even if he gets hurt he always seems to be smiling no matter how bad the pain is.

Alan remains quiet throughout the rest of the journey home, watching his brother slumped against the window. His father and Grandmother seem increasingly worried by every passing second of the journey home.

For Gordon, he was glad to finally be home. Since he returned back to the island his back has started to ache again. He was lucky that he was able to hide the pain from his father and Grandmother as they made their way out of the hanger. As for Alan, he wasn't so sure. He knew that Alan was watching him carefully and Gordon was afraid that he may be upsetting his brother. He was able to make a quick escape from them however, as he went to go and hide in his room. He was now laying on his bed. He had placed a hot water bottle directly on the lower part of his back trying to relieve the pain. He had taken his pills and he was starting to feel tired again, but before he could sleep a knock was heard from his bedroom door. In a panic, Gordon sat up and threw the hot water bottle across his room landing in a pile of dirty washing. "Come in," Gordon called and his father entered the room.

"Gordon, I'd like you to come downstairs please so we can all have dinner together," Jeff says and Gordon notices the stern present in his voice. There was no way he was getting out of this.

"Yes Dad, I'll be there," Gordon replies. He knew that he had to be there. It was Alan's celebration. Despite the pain that he was in he couldn't upset his little brother by not being there. So biting back the pain he stood and walked with his father to the dining room.

Alan was thrilled to have everyone there to celebrate his return. It almost felt like it was his birthday. The living room and dining room were decorated with balloons and banners saying, 'welcome home' apparently John, Scott and Virgil had spent the afternoon decorating the place just for him. Now the family were sitting around the table awaiting dinner. Alan couldn't believe the number of injuries he could see on Scott, Virgil and Gordon. They all had bruises, cuts and scrapes. "You must have had a tough rescue then," Alan says and Virgil and Scott laugh.

"Yeah it was pretty tough," Scott replies.

"Please tell me about it?" Alan asks.

"Of course," Virgil says "So we got a call about an earthquake in Switzerland and the Local authorities needed help rescuing trapped civilians. As we got there I was checking a home for survivors, and then Scott called shouting that a mudslide was heading in our direction."

Alan beams in excitement, "A mudslide that is so cool, did you hear it? What did it look like? Oh, I wish I could have been there to see that." Gordon couldn't believe what he was hearing, he could feel his blood boil in anger. He looked at his hands shaking and he drew them into fists. All he could think about was punching Alan square in the jaw, but before he did he snapped with rage.

"No, No, No Alan! It's not fucking cool. People died." Gordon stood and his chair fell to the floor. He looked at his family around the table in stunned silence, but that didn't stop Gordon. "I can't believe you would say that Alan, you need to grow up and stop acting like a kid." Jeff stood making his way to Gordon, he held a tight grasp on his arm.

"Gordon Tracy, that is enough!" he shouted. Gordon flinched but he couldn't stop. He felt so angry and he's in pain. The only thing that he thought about was the little girl and how he had killed her.

"Let me go, Dad! Leave me alone!" Gordon shouted back but his father remained calm.

"Gordon don't talk to Dad like that," Virgil says, making his way to stand beside his father.

"Don't start Virgil. You were the one who started this fucking problem." Gordon hissed "You were the one who had to tell everyone about what happened, why? Because you wanted to laugh about me behind my back."

"Gordon I would never, you know that." Virgil replies and Gordon pushes his father away from him to square up to Virgil.

Alan didn't know what to think at this moment. Was Gordon really going to fight Virgil? He looked to his older brothers John and Scott who both seemed to be ready to separate the pair from killing each other, and as for Grandma, she looked devastated, trying to dry her silent tears with a handkerchief. His father stood back from Gordon and Virgil, he was a mixture of shock and disgust. Alan stood trying to think of a way to diffuse the situation.

"Gordon please, I'm sorry."

"Shut the, Fuck up Alan!" Gordon barked and Alan felt his heart shudder with hurt. Alan knew that the moment he had said it he had made everything worse because before he could process anything Virgil punched Gordon in the cheek and then Gordon tackled Virgil to the ground. The pair of them were hitting and punching each other until a piercing cry could be heard from Gordon. John and Scott had pulled the two away from each other. Scott carried Gordon away until the cry made him stop in his tracks, he placed Gordon gently on the ground. Scott knew that cry from Gordon and it gave him flashback to the hydrofoil accident. Gordon was in pain, more specifically his back is hurting him.

Gordon had never felt pain like this. He was crying and Scott crouched down in front of him, repeating the words, "I'm sorry Gordon." But Gordon knew that it wasn't Scott's fault, it was his. He knew that he needed to be careful so fighting Virgil who is stronger and bigger than him was a big mistake. His mind went into a blur as the pain became overwhelming for him, he just wanted to die and maybe he deserved it, besides that's probably what the little girl would want for not saving her. As Gordon sat on the floor he drew his knees towards his chest, lowering his head. He felt so embarrassed to have his whole family watch him cry. He knew he had to stop but it was the only thing that would help the pain. Gordon felt someone brush their hand through his hair.

"Gordon, Virgil is going to put an injection in your back. Just stay still. Everything is going to be alright," spoke his father and Gordon felt comfort from those words, but the thought of injection made him think about the hydrofoil accident. Was he having a relapse? Gordon thought.

Alan watched the scene before him, taking a seat beside Grandma. His Grandmother hugged him tightly and Alan watched as his father carried a now asleep Gordon in his arms to the medical bay. Alan only had one thought: 'what the fuck is going on?'

When Gordon woke he felt dizzy and sore. He was laying on his stomach in the medical bay. He looked at his hand noticing the small plastic tube sticking out of it, leading to an IV drip bag. He thought about what had happened earlier and he couldn't believe what he had said, especially to Alan. Gordon couldn't understand why he acted like that, he'd never swore in front of his father and his Grandmother before, they must hate him. Gordon searched around the room being mindful of his back. It was late at night and the room was dark, but no one was here. He had never felt more alone until just now. Gordon thought that he deserved this. He had been treating his family so poorly, of course, no one should be here with him. He thought about getting up and apologized to everyone, but he couldn't be bothered. He felt so tired laying there but the thought of sleeping made him feel nauseous, especially if he was going to be haunted by the same nightmare dream he had been having ever since he returned from that rescue. So he stayed awake all night long, he just stared across the room looking at the same marks on the wall until daylight started to creep in through his window.

Gordon had been in a trance for the next few hours. He was now able to get out of bed and his back didn't seem to bother him as much as it did. He felt nothing, he spoke to no one. He spent the rest of the day in his room. His mind kept going over the death of the little girl over and over. He knew it was his fault and he didn't know what to do. So he let his mind be consumed by the nightmare. The sun was now beginning to set, he was laying on his bed, watching the ocean from his balcony window.

Suddenly his bedroom doors flew open and Gordon jumped at the loud bang that followed, it was his brother John who entered.

"Gordon, we have another rescue situation. Virgil is going to talk you through it on the way there. Come on!" Gordon raced out of bed and made his way to Thunderbirds two's hanger. He couldn't understand why he had this burst of energy, but for the first time in a while, he felt normal.

* * *

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

* * *

Now a few hours later, he wished that he had refused to go on this rescue. He should have told John that he wasn't up for it, because now he was trapped in an ice cavern with his only younger brother. He couldn't help his body from shivering, he had tucked his hands under his armpits, but the cold went straight through his suit. The lack of food over the past few days meant that his body couldn't generate the heat that he very much needed. He thought about Virgil and what he told him about the rescue a few hours ago. There had been a terrible snow blizzard in Greenland, and Virgil and Scott were going to the small village to check for survivors. He explained to Alan that he needed to rescue a young couple of hikers on top of the mountain next to the village. Virgil wasn't on speaking terms with Gordon, but that didn't stop Gordon from saying that he needed to help Alan on this rescue. Virgil had told him that he wasn't up for the job, telling him that he was too sick to help. Those remarks made Gordon's blood boil, but he remained silent. It was Alan who had stood up against Virgil, insisting that he needed support on the mountain. Gordon had been glad that his brother needed him at that moment, but now as he watched his brother sitting in the corner of their small space in the cavern he knew that Virgil was right. He wasn't up for the job. It had been his fault that they had fallen 10ft down. He was lucky that Alan was able to soften the fall as they grasped onto each other, but with their combined weight the pair landed on top of each other in a heap.

"I still can't get a signal," Alan says, as he repeatedly taps the IR logo on his suit, Only to be greeted by the unwanted sound of static.

"Alan, there's nothing we can do. We just have to wait," Gordon mumbles, looking down at his boots, kicking away the loose snow.

"Gordon, what's wrong with you? Usually, you like to lighten the mood when this stuff happens." Alan questions.

"It's nothing."

"Please Gordy. Just because I am the youngest doesn't mean I can't understand how you're truly feeling. So stop pretending it's nothing and let me be your brother." Gordon takes a deep breath, sitting beside Alan. There is a moment of silence between the brothers. The only sound heard is the gust of stormy wind coming from the open hole in the iced cavern.

"Well, you remember that rescue that Virgil was talking about during dinner?" Gordon asks.

"The mudslide?" Gordon nods.

"Well, you see. It was my fault. I failed. It's my job to save people and yet I let someone die. She had her whole life ahead of her and I just watched as she was killed. The mudslide it had taken her and it took me and Virgil as well and yet we both survived. I got separated from Virgil and I found the girl again, but this time sh...she was.." Gordon's voice catches in his throat, and Alan can tell that he is close to tears. So he wraps his arm around his freezing brother's shoulder, rubbing softly in hopes to warm him slightly. "She was covered in blood, her body was lifeless and broken. I couldn't leave her so I picked her up to find her parents. This young woman then took her from my arms. I don't think it was her mother."

"Did she say anything?" Alan asks and Gordon draws a shaky breath.

"She said that I should have died instead." Gordon's heart pounded in pain. He felt angry so he kicked the loose snow on the ground trying to control this feeling. "And maybe she's right, he growls.

"Gordon, what are you talking about? Look Virgil told me about what happened earlier and we both said that it wasn't your fault. In your situation Gordon, there was nothing you could have done differently to save her."

"Wait, Virgil told you too!" Gordon snaps, pushing himself away from Alan.

"Yeah, he did. I was worried about you. I wanted answers."

"Well, are you happy now!" Gordon yells, "I killed someone, and don't ever say that it's not my fault. I did it, me. And now I have to live with it for the rest of my life!" His words echo around the cavern, sending a chill down Alan's spine. He didn't know what else to say, so the brothers waited in silence.

A few moments later the brothers had finally been rescued by the young couple that Gordon and Alan had been sent to find. Barnaby and Sarah Wood were apparently making their way down the mountain to fetch supplies from the village when Sarah fell and badly broke her leg. Barnaby was lucky to make contact with the local authorities on his radio before the signal went out from the storm. As time passed Barnaby was losing hope that no one was coming for them, so making a trek to his lodge to boost the signal on his radio he had been surprised to hear a distant shout below him. Gordon and Alan were pleased to be finally out of that cavern. Barnaby had all the gear he needed to pull the brothers out and to safety. Alan quickly made his way to Sarah and began to tend to her broken leg. Gordon and Barnaby however, discussed finding better signals for his radio. Gordon needed to get into contact with Scott and Virgil and request for assistance. The weather was starting to get worse, and daylight was beginning to end. So he spoke with Barnaby about where he could boost his signal. Barnaby had said that the lodge wasn't far so Gordon decided to make the trek. He had insisted that Alan stays with the couple until Scott and Virgil were here. Alan wanted to disagree, but he knew he didn't have time to argue so he let Gordon go on his own.

Time passed by slowly for Gordon as he made the long trek towards the lodge. Even though he had his helmet on he could feel his teeth chattering from the bitter cold. The winds were strong, blowing snow all around him. He had a difficulty seeing, and every so often he would trip over something landing roughly in the snow. He grasped around his stomach, feeling pain from where he hadn't eaten. He felt sick, but he knew there would be no point in turning back. He had to do this. He needed to show everyone that he was capable of being an operative in international rescue. Gordon thought that his brothers would think of him as weak if he decided to turn back. So he took this as a chance to prove himself. His walking pace then slowed and his vision began to blur, he stopped, taking off his helmet for air. He could feel the rush of freezing air make contact with his sweaty blonde hair. He looked around his surroundings in hope he would find the lodge. When unexpectedly he noticed something in the distance. He dropped his helmet when he realised that what he was seeing was the little girl he knew he killed from the mudslide. Without thinking he ran with only one thought in his mind; 'I need to save her.' However, as he ran he didn't seem to notice the ground cracking under his boots until suddenly he fell.

Meanwhile, Alan had sensed that something was terribly wrong. He had made Barnaby and Sarah a shelter before he raced towards the lodge in a hope that he would cross paths with his brother. His heart was pounding, but he couldn't stop for a rest. Alan knew that Gordon needed him now and he felt guilty for letting him go on his own. He kept trying to get a signal from his suit by pressing repeatedly on the IR logo. He needed his brothers but all that came from the radio was static. He was on his own and time was running out.

Gordon was in shock. He had fallen through the ice and was now a prisoner trapped in depths of freezing water. His heart skipped a beat as he tried to hold onto his breath. He felt a heavy pressure force him further below like someone was deliberately trying to make him drown. He couldn't open his eyes because the pain was too unbearable. Gordon desperately tried to reach the surface, but in his blind attempt, he could only feel his hands collide with the solid ice above him. His body began to feel unknown to him now. He knew that death was upon him, but he didn't want to take his last breath. He'd been awful to his family, especially his brothers. He understood in this moment of despair that they had only been trying to help him and all that he did was push them away. He wanted to live, but he didn't bother to try anymore. The water had numbed the pains though his body and he found himself floating in peace. Knowing that he couldn't hold his breath for long he decided to open his eyes one final time.

"A..la..Alan?" The radio crackled and Alan stopped running.

"John?" Alan says, desperately hoping that he hadn't just imagined that his older brother was in contact with him.

"Al..n. Scot an Virg are wi..th Gor...on"

"Scott and Virgil are with Gordon?" Alan repeats, feeling relieved that his brothers had come to rescue them.

"G..don bad, need he..lp." Alan looks straight ahead of him beginning to see a clearing through the heavy snowy winds. "Gordon!" he cries.

"Come on," Virgil shouts, pounding on Gordon's chest. He could feel tears rolling down his cheeks as he tried to resuscitate his brother. They were lucky that they had found him. Although, it may have been too late. Scott cannot believe what he is seeing before him. Earlier he had dragged Gordon out of the water, whilst Virgil went to get the medical supplies from Thunderbird 2. He was heavy and pale, but what concerned him the most and what is still concerning is that Gordon is not breathing. It had been about ten minutes since Scott had carried Gordon, laying him on the frozen ground for Virgil to perform CPR. As the pair were starting to lose hope Alan rushed up beside them dropping to the ground.

"Please no this can't happen, he can't die." he cries and Scott picks him up from the ground holding his brother tightly.

"No he isn't going to die," Virgil shouts as he continues to pound on his chest. "Come on you idiot. Wake up!"

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To be Continued…


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5. _

_**I do apologise for taking so long to write this chapter but I hope you do enjoy it. **_

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A few moments ago his heart felt like it had stopped. He remembered when his brother John yelled at him through the radio that Gordon's heart rate was plummeting due to increasingly low body heat. He remembered taking his Thunderbird to maximum speed caring for nothing else apart from his younger brother's life. He had no idea about what was happening to Gordon, only a faint signal locator from his suit, indicating that his life is in critical danger. He had forgotten how long he had been trying to restart his heart, but he wasn't going to give up. Virgil continued to pound on his chest. Until Gordon suddenly began to cough violently, taking in sharp breaths of air. Virgil quickly pulled Gordon to his side as he began to cough up all the water that he had ingested. "Easy Gordon, deep breaths okay," Virgil says, lightly patting his brother's back. Gordon could only manage to comprehend his shaky grasps. His vision was blurred and he couldn't stop himself from shivering. He was in pain all over his body and his head pounded violently. He could hear his brother's voice and it pained Gordon that Virgil couldn't understand his moans to take away his pain. He then felt slightly warm, feeling someone tightly grasp onto his shivering body, picking him up and carrying him. Gordon grasped around the figure who was holding him, hoping he was going to be taken to someplace warm.

Scott protectively cradles Gordon's freezing body, quickening his pace towards the medical bay in Thunderbird 2. Alan and Virgil are not far behind him. Scott could feel his heart drop hearing Gordon's groggy moans. In an attempt to ease his shivering he tightens his grasp around him, but it's no use; his body heat isn't enough to comfort his pain.

As he enters Thunderbird 2's medical bay he places Gordon onto the bed, beginning to take off his suit. Gordon feels slightly warmer, but his blurred vision makes him feel nauseous. He feels the touch of someone taking off his suit, so he tries to move his arms to help, but they are too heavy to lift.

"Gordon, keep those eyes open for me," Scott says taping his brother's cheeks, but it doesn't stop Gordon's eyelids from drooping.

"Scott, I need you to help Alan find those two hikers," Virgil says, but Scott doesn't respond to him, his focus is entirely on Gordon. "Scott. We still have a rescue to do," Virgil continues, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I can't leave him, Virgil!" Scott cries.

"We have to Scott," calls Alan. "We can't leave them, hikers, any longer. I'd hate to see Gordon blame himself if something bad was to happen to them. We have to rescue them now Scott. Virgil will look after him."

Scott could feel his heartbreaking knowing that he had to leave his injured brother, but he knew that Alan was right.

"Okay, we'll go," Scott says as he backs away from Gordon's still shivering body. Virgil steps in covering him with warm blankets, Gordon moans at this different feeling surrounding him. "Are you sure he will be alright Virgil?" Scott asks.

"Yes he will be, now the quicker you find those hikers, the quicker we can get Gordon home," Virgil replies, causing Scott and Alan to swiftly leave the medical bay.

Gordon was still shivering. His teeth chattered together, as he rolled over to his side trying to find some comfort from his pain. Virgil grasped onto his brother's clammy, cold hand, crouching down in front of him.

"Hey, Gordon it's Virgil. You're safe now, in Thunderbird 2." Virgil can see that his brother doesn't seem to understand what he was saying, and he hates himself knowing how awful of a brother he had been to Gordon over the past few days. Gordon didn't deserve this. He's still so young and yet he has been through so much pain throughout his life.

"I can't imagine my life without you Gordon," Virgil says whilst Gordon gazes lazily at him. "This is all my fault, I'm so sorry about what's happened. I should have let you decide when you wanted to tell everyone about what happened with the little girl. I shouldn't have gone behind your back. I…" Suddenly Virgil's radio chimes and he presses the IR logo on his suit.

"Virgil, it's John. How's he doing?"

"Not great John, he's shivering bad and he's not responding as well as I would expect him to," Virgil says, bruising a hand through his brother's wet hair.

"His body temperature is still really low Virgil."

"I know John," Virgil replies, noticing the worry present in John's voice. "There's nothing more I can do until we get him back home."

"I'll get into contact with Scott and Alan to see if they've found them hikers yet."

"FAB John." Virgil ends the call with the brother, he then tucks the blankets tightly around Gordon's body until he notices that his brother is losing consciousness. "Hey, don't go to sleep," Gordon tries to open his heavy eyelids, feeling the touch of his brother tapping his cheeks, but he couldn't hold on anymore. "Gordon, you have to stay awake." Virgil pleads, but Gordon doesn't have the strength to keep going so he lets his body relax, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

Gordon looked peaceful, lying in the infirmary bed back on Tracy Island. It was now late in the evening and apart from John the rest of the family had retired to their rooms for the night. He had been sat beside Gordon's bedside ever since he had landed from Thunderbird 5. John couldn't rest knowing that it was his fault that Gordon was injured. He was the one that encouraged their father to let him go on the rescue. He thought that Gordon would need this, to make him feel normal again, but he doubted that Gordon will ever be the same again. He still looked deathly pale, But John was glad that his shivering wasn't too bad and his body temperature was rising. He watched Gordon all throughout the night until early in the morning he saw that his brother's eyelids were beginning to flutter open.

"Hey Gordon, it's John. Can you hear me?"

Gordon groans, trying to focus on the figure talking to him. "John?" he mumbles.

"Yeah, that's me."

"What happened?"

"You fell Gordon, in a frozen lake." John runs his hand through his brother's hair then grasps onto Gordon's still shaking hand.

"Alan?!" Gordon panics.

"He's fine," John says. "And the hikers are fine too. They're at the hospital now." Gordon searches around the room, he still feels dizzy and he's finding it difficult to focus on his surroundings.

"Where am I?" he moans.

"You're back home in the infirmary."

"Dad?" Gordon breathes closing his eyes to relieve some dizziness.

"Do you want me to go and get him?" John asks, feeling increasingly worried.

"No," Gordon says, opening his eyes. "Is he mad at me?"

"Of course not Gordon. He's worried about you. I guess you heard what he said then." John recalls from earlier when his father came into the infirmary after Virgil had carried Gordon from Thunderbird 2. He was heartbroken to see Gordon in so much pain, shivering and barely conscious. He feels the same way when any one of his sons gets hurt he uses his own heartache and turns it into anger. John hadn't heard him shout like that in ages, but he understood how his father was feeling.

"Not really. I just heard him shouting." Gordon says.

"Long story short, but basically you've been suspended from IR until you recover fully and not just physically." Gordon nods his head, understanding what John has just said. He knew that his Father would probably suspend him and Gordon knew that he needed to work on himself more before he continued to work for International Rescue. His nightmares about the little girl are still present and Gordon knows that he needs to make peace with them.

"How are you feeling," John asks, trying to lighten Gordon's mood.

"I can't stop shaking," Gordon breathes.

"I know your body is just trying to warm up. Try and get some rest Gordon, I'll be here." John sits beside his brother holding tightly onto his hand as Gordon drifts off to sleep.

He's awoken by the same nightmare. He's covered in sweat, painfully panting. He recalls the dream of the little girl shouting for Gordon to save her, but like always Gordon cannot seem to move no matter how hard he tries. He hates having to hear her screams as she is crushed by the falling building and then he cradles her broken body covered in blood and mud. Gordon sat up from his bed and looked around the infirmary. His older brother John had fallen asleep in the armchair beside him. Gordon felt slightly better than earlier. He wasn't shivering anymore and the dizziness had passed, In fact, he felt quite warm. He knew that he wasn't allowed to be up until he was given the all-clear by Virgil, but Gordon needed some air to clear his mind.

He had made his way quietly out of the infirmary and into his bedroom. He changed into some fresh clothes and trainers before he left the villa. The sun was just beginning to rise on Tracy island and Gordon couldn't be happier to hear the ocean waves crash against the sandy shores. He took a gentle and steady pace towards his favourite spot on the island. Gordon couldn't remember the last time he paid a visit to this spot, but he knew it was the one place he needed to go to in order to clear his head. He sat under the palm tree watching the view before him in awe.

"Hey Mom it's a pretty sunrise today," Gordon says talking to his mother's last resting place. "I'm sure you would love it." Gordon takes in a breath of fresh morning air. "I know it's been a while. In fact, I can't remember the last time I have spoken to you but, I just wanted to talk." Gordon was used to the fact that he wouldn't get a reply, but he always felt closer to his mother when he spoke to the place where his father had laid her ashes. "I've been having a really hard time lately. I've only done about eight rescues so far. Scott, Virgil, John and Alan have had lots more training than me because I was still recovering in hospital." Gordon signs "Yeah I suppose you didn't know that I crashed a hydrofoil boat when I was working at WASP. Anyway, I'll tell you about that another day. So Dad did tell me that when I was signing up to work for him that I would have to deal with death. And I thought I was ready. I thought that I could handle it. But I can't and I don't know what to do." He sniffled, tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

"You can start by not pushing us away," said Scott, Gordon looked beside him to see that he brother was sitting next to him.

"How long have you been here?" Gordon asks.

"Not long. I heard you leave this morning so I followed you."

"I just needed to clear my head"

"I know."

The brothers sit together quietly for a moment until Scott notices that Gordon is shivering. "You shouldn't be out here," Scott says, wrapping an arm around his brother's shoulder. "Can I take you back home now?" Gordon leans into his brother's arm still watching the sunrise.

"Do you think I should quit, Scott?"

"What? Of course not. Why would you say that?"

"I can't deal with people dying," Gordon can feel his tears now flowing freely down his cheeks, but he doesn't care anymore to wipe them away.

"Gordon. I understand what you've been dealing with and I know how hard it is. When Mom died I thought our lives would never be normal again, but as time passes the pain softens. I know that somewhere she's looking down on us, and she's probably wanting to tell you the same thing that you've been trying to ignore from us."

"What's that?" Gordon mumbles.

"It's not your fault that the little girl died. It was an accident. There was no chance that you could have made it back to the building before it collapsed."

"I know," Gordon says, drying his tears. "But my mind keeps telling me that I should have saved her. That it was my fault that I didn't try."

"How about you try swimming when you get better, I'm sure that will put your mind straight."

"Maybe," Gordon says, feeling his head beginning to ache.

"Right well I don't know about you but I'm starving. Are you ready to come home now?" Gordon nods his head and the brothers walk together back to the villa for breakfast.

As Gordon sat amongst his family around the breakfast table he recalled everything that Scott had said and something within him just clicked. He knew that it would take time for him to recover and the thoughts of the little girl will always be present in his mind. But he had his family and that was the reason why he joined International Rescue. Gordon knew that death would be difficult to deal with but as long as he's got his family to support him, he was sure that he would be okay.

The End.

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_**Thank you so much for reading this Fanfiction. I've enjoyed writing it. Let me know what you thought about it. I just wanted to say a big thank you to someone who helped me write these chapters, you know who you are. I've really appreciated your help and advice, thank you. **_


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